Part Three

Originally Posted by Selena@becausemotherhoodsucks.com

Thursday, August 18, 2011

How the hell do I get through this day? Luckily my mother took my kid so that she doesn't have to see me like this. But this is like day 5 of this awfulness and no amount of medication seems to be helping the feeling of fear and desperation that nothing is ever going to make me feel better. I have no where to go today. I have no money. I need a shower but it just seems like so much effort. I just feel like I am going to jump out of my skin. All of it seems like it's just too fucking much. And the worst part about it is that it makes NO FUCKING SENSE!

I see all these people around me with real problems and sick children and unemployed and drug addicted and then I see myself. I have none of that. I am truly blessed in my life and yet I sit here feeling like the sky is falling and I am being held down and not allowed to make a run for it. Why can't I just talk myself out of this? Why doesn't my brain work? Why do I feel like I am going crazy and that I am just falling short of getting the help that I need?

I keep starting to do something but then realize I have nothing to do. And I can't let my kid see me like this. I just can't. She knows that something is wrong. She knows that "Mommy's Sick" but she has no idea that mommy is losing her mind and is afraid she will never be back to the way she was before...not that I was ever so great anyway.

I can't sleep. The Anxiety makes sure that I don't have that method of escape. I can't eat. I can't focus. And yet simple things like taking a short walk tire me out to the point where I feel like I am going to drop.

I am not a praying woman. I do not subscribe to any faith. But several times in the last week I have dropped to my knees and begged for something to grant me some relief from this torment and no one seems to answer. I am scared beyond belief.