I am hooked.
It started out really slowly. I was really hesitant to get involved. It was about 2 months of less than weekly dates at first but now I am seeing him every day. I have met and hung out with his son and he has met and hung out with my daughter. We all hung out together. This feels like a real relationship.
I don't know that I believe in love. I have always thought of affection and love songs as sappy and unnecessary. I always thought love was gross. But somehow I am softening and I am feeling actual feelings about this guy. I am terrified.
So far he has been great. He texts me every morning to say good morning, even when he has just left my house. He does the same to say goodnight. He texts me on his lunch break at work. He texts me on his way home from work. This makes me feel really secure. I dread the day that he stops doing this. I just know it is going to happen. That will mean that he is changing his mind.
He comes over every day. Even when he is really busy. Even when he has his son. He just brings him along. He is fixing stuff around my house. He offered to help my mom out if she needed anything. He brought me ice cream one night when I had already gotten into my pajamas and I said I wanted some. He doesn't seem to mind that I am on the curvy side even though he is extremely well built and in great shape. He likes to see me eat.
I have told him about my depression. I have told him that I was in the hospital. He knows I take medications. He is okay with all this. He still likes me! I am always afraid that once someone knows that I used to be crazy that they will bolt. I am really stable now and feel pretty steady. I want to believe that it is me but I know that without the medications I would be a mess again. I am so hooked on this guy that I worry that if he loses interest that I will be thrown back into insanity. I have tried to express this to him but how do you tell a guy that you are afraid you will go insane without him? And so soon into the relationship.
There have been a few things that worry me. The other day I asked him if he really likes me. He asked if I was asking if he liked me or if it was just sex. Then he said "don't turn into every other girl". I feel like I should just know that he likes me considering all that I said above but I want to hear it. I want to know that I am not just another random girl he is dating. I have told him that I don't want to see anyone else. He agreed that we are not seeing other people. That made me happy.
Another thing. He doesn't get along with his mother all that well. He really doesn't like her and from what he has shared about his upbringing I don't know that I blame him. My mother always said that the way a guy treats his mother is how he would treat his woman. This isn't a good sign. But anyway, he was on the phone with her the other night and I heard him say, "No, I'm not dating anyone". As you can imagine I was hurt by this. I asked him about it and he said that it is none of his mother's business. He said he doesn't need to tell her anything. I dropped it but I am wondering if I am putting too much into this relationship too soon. Maybe I need to back off. I don't know how but I probably should try.
I can honestly say that I haven't felt this way in forever. This is different than the infatuations I had in my early 20s and it is different than the friendly, easy feelings I had for Lila's dad. I was never "crazy about him" the way that I feel I am about this guy. I really have fallen hard. I don't know if the feelings are mutual. I have no idea how to bring it up without sounding "like every other girl". Shit. I have a feeling this is going to end badly.
