Failing my kid

I am failing my kid in a lot of ways because I am constantly, chronically depressed.  No matter what meds I am on or what kinds of therapy I do, the depression clings to me like a wet blanket and does not allow me to be fun or have fun.  It has been months since I have so much as been out for coffee with a friend and I have done nothing but work, eat and sleep for so long that it feels like it is normal.

It seems like so much work to just do the bare necessities of taking care of her.  Getting her up for school in the morning, making her lunch, getting her to get dressed.  A lot of days I feel like just letting her stay home so that I don't have to do it.  So much work.  When I was a kid, I missed a lot of school and now I know that it was because my mother was so overwhelmed with the process of getting me up that she often didn't bother.  Now I know it was her depression that failed me.  I don't want to do this to my kid so I get her out of the house most days. 

But she has never had a friend come over to my house to play.  Again, it just seems like so much work.  I would have to clean the house really good, come up with some activities, plan a snack.  It just feels like too much.  And although I have encouraged my daughter to get some of her classmates' phone numbers she has not done it.  I don't see myself going to the school handbook and calling any of those parents out of the blue.  When I was a kid I called my friends to come over all the time.  My parents never set up play dates. I don't even know if my friends asked their parents permission.  But Lila is not me.  She is having a hard time in school and tells me that she really doesn't have any friends.  She usually hangs out with one boy who she tells me was singled out by one of the mean girls. 

This year she isn't taking part in any after-school activities.  Her school offers so many programs: dance, karate, drama club, sports. But she doesn't want to do any of them this year even though previously she has been involved in at least ONE thing.  And because it feels like so much work, I am not going to go out of my way to get her involved in anything outside of school like Girl Scouts (and have to sell the cookies! No way!).  The one thing that she showed some interest in was chorus but that required a commitment 2 nights a week at 6 pm and there was no way I was going to drive her there across town, and sit in the car for an hour and a half twice a week.  If it is right after school then okay.  I will arrange to have her picked up.  But we do not live close to the school so me going home and coming back later was not really practical.

And in this way I am failing her.  I wish that I felt better so that all these little things didn't seem like such a big deal.  But they do feel like a big deal.  Rather than feeling like I would be doing something wonderful for my daughter it feels like I am doing something so burdensome that I just can't bring myself to do it.  And so my kid suffers from my illness.

One thing that is totally unrelated though:  My daughter is kind of a spaz.  She tries really hard to make people laugh and I suspect that her trying so hard is what makes the other kids at school sort of shy away from her.  I think she can be a little overwhelming when she is trying so hard to be funny.  Today I was writing in my journal and had a thought.  Perhaps her constant trying to make people laugh is because I so desperately need someone to cheer me up.  Maybe this illness that I suffer from is the reason she is so goofy all the time.  Usually her efforts fall flat on me.  I often wish I had a more laid back kid.  But what if she is just trying to lighten what is often a somber mood in our house? 

Then again, it is so easy to believe that we are the cause of all our kids' problems and so hard to believe that we are the root of their successes. 

A change of scenery

It's been an eventful week.  I went to Florida last week to celebrate my brother's adoption of a baby.  He had a huge party and there were about 100 people there.  I went with my parents and my daughter.  We had a good time overall. 

My brother owns a bar.  He does really well for himself.  The bar is really popular and he doesn't have to worry about money.  My parents are really proud of him and you can tell because they talk about him all the time.  I have to admit, it makes me feel like kind of a loser.  My brother told me that in 2014 he made over $800,000 for the year.  I am barely scraping by and until last month was on food stamps because I jut now make too much to be on them.  My mother worries about me.  She says that she can't die because I am not happy.  She wants to know that I will be alright without her.  I don't know if I would be. 

I don't think I will ever know what it is like to not have to worry about money.  One of my greatest fears is that my depression gets worse and I have to go on disability.  I have earned so little in my life that I would be living on a few hundred dollars a month.  I worry about this a lot actually.  I am afraid that the level-headedness that I have right now is temporary.  At some point the meds will stop working and I will be sick again, stripped down and in that thick suffocating fog.  Then what will I do?  How will I support myself?  At my last job, when I went out because I was hospitalized they were all tremendously understanding.  My job was safe.  I don't think this job would be as secure.  If I am not here there is nobody to do the work.  They would need to get someone else in here immediately.  I would be fired.

But enough of my catastrophizing. 

We went out to eat a lot and of course Lila and I went to the beach.  But the weather didn't really cooperate with us and it rained 3 out of the 5 days we were there.  The day we went to the beach it only went up to 72 degrees so we were a little cold.  That didn't prevent Lila from going into the ocean though.  We missed a huge snow storm while we were gone.  My city got almost 2 feet of snow.  It was all waiting here for me when I got back.

Lila and I slept on the couch during our trip.  I actually slept pretty well there.  It felt good to not have to be exhausted all day.  But I came back and last night I slept like shit.  I don't know why I slept so well there but can't sleep for shit when I am home.  You would think that sleeping on a couch is not conducive to sleeping well but apparently you would be wrong.  I was really hoping that the sleeplessness was behind me.  I'm not sure what to do.

Maybe it's my job that's keeping me up at night.  I wouldn't say that I hate it.  I actually enjoy the work that I do when there is work.  But my days are long and there isn't much going on right now and I am pretty bored for most of the day.  Today, after being gone a week, I had a lot to catch up on.  I only had enough to keep me busy until about noon.  I am sitting at work now writing this.  I am not someone who likes having a lot of down time.  Add to it that I am alone in the office most days and you have a recipe for depression.  My job does not afford me the opportunity to meet new people or challenge me in any way.  I don't really dread going to work but today I really thought about calling in sick.  The only reason I didn't is because I knew it was just delaying the inevitable.  I would have to come back eventually.

Have any of you had insomnia?  I would like to hear about it if you did and what you did to help it.