Why I'll likely be single forever

I don't think I believe that I can ever love anyone again.  This is my realization after reading an article yesterday called "It's okay to believe in love again" on the Huffington Post. 

In the article, the author talks about all the ways that she is happy being single and all the excuses she has made to justify not getting back out there but in the end she sees a post on Pinterest that simply says "It's okay to believe in love again" and in that moment she realizes that she does actually believe that she can love again.  Well, see, here's the problem.  I don't.

I don't know that I will ever love like I did in my 20's when the two men who I would call the loves of my life were in the picture.  One I met in my teens and held a flame for for like 15 years and the other I knew in my teens but didn't fall for until I was in my 20's and we had an on again off again thing for many years.  I loved them deeply.  I made them mix tapes and had butterflies when I would think about them.  I would sit by the phone anxiously waiting for them to call and be devastated when I didn't hear from them exactly when I expected to.  I was a crazy person for each of them and it felt good in its own way.  Needless to say, neither of these relationships ended well.

The idea that I could enjoy being single would have terrified 20-something me.  She always had a boyfriend.  She usually had a new one before the last one was gone.  She was terrified of being alone and always had a backup plan should one of the guys she was seeing bail on her.  She needed the constant drama and loved the shit out of a guy until it got too serious and then she was on to the next one.  That is, with the exception of the two guys mentioned earlier.  She never stopped caring about those two even though they did everything not to deserve it.

Then I had my first taste of mature love.  The kind of love where you care more about another person's well being than your own.  This wasn't as exciting as the all-consuming crazy person love but it was deeper still and I knew that I had come really far when I fell for someone who didn't torture me emotionally.  That also didn't end well and I left him because I felt like he deserved better than the shell of a person I was because of my depression.  I regretted it and I tried to take it back but it was too late.  He had moved on. 

That was 2 years ago and I have since attempted online dating, meeting a handful of guys but honestly realizing that I wasn't ultimately really open to developing anything meaningful with any of them even if I was attracted to any one of them, which I wasn't.  I disabled my profiles and have been bored and alone since. 

Since I am not much of a social person I have no idea how I will ever meet someone if not through the online dating route.  I don't go to bars and I don't work at a place that has a lot of people.  My office is basically me and my boss who works out of town for much of the week.  We have 4 sales people and 2 contractors who are in sporadically so I spend much of my week in the office alone.  Just me and the radio to keep me company.  That is why I now have time to write my blog.

I have appealed to friends on Facebook to introduce me to any single guy friends they have.  You would think that someone out of the 500+ Facebook friends I have would have a single 30-40 year old guy to introduce me to but no.  No luck there. 

So I stay single.  Part of me knows that I should use this time to "work on myself" whatever that means.  Perhaps I should go back to therapy and look into taking some evening classes.  Maybe I should join a gym and commit to weekly mani-pedis and monthly haircuts.  But seriously, who has the energy for that?  I sure as hell don't.  When it comes down to it I will usually always choose sitting home and watching TV to doing what feels like so much work. 

I want to just enjoy being single.  But the loneliness...OH the loneliness.  I hate not having anyone to call or text just to tell about my day.  I miss having someone to watch bad addictive television shows with.  I wish I didn't have to sleep alone every night and I especially miss sex.  If only I could find someone to take care of these few things.  But I don't believe I can.

Because I don't think I believe in love anymore.  Turns out that those two guys who I would have died for?  They both turned out to be not so good people.  One of them is in prison and the other one is a junky.  The days of believing we would eventually get back together and live happily ever after when we were ready for that kind of thing are long gone and replaced by a sort of emptiness where they used to be.  But it is an emptiness that has no desire to be filled.  It just sits there.  Empty.

As for my ex who I left, he has moved on.  He is in love and happily dating some skank.  I don't know if they've talked about marriage and I don't care.  I assume it's just a matter of time though.  And when that happens I will wish them happiness.  Because I really loved him and want him to be happy. 

Even if I'm not. 

I fear that if I just accept being alone that I will never be ready to find love.  I fear that this isn't a temporary feeling.  I fear that I really deep down, just don't believe in love anymore.  Or that anyone would love me.  As crazy as I used to be and as difficult as I can be to be around sometimes because of the depression.  I  fear that I will die alone and lonely.  All because I don't believe in love anymore. 

How do I turn this around?

Facebook Friends

I have 557 Facebook friends.  That's not for a page or a cause.  That's on my personal Facebook page.  I am happy to say that I know a lot of those people.  Then there are the people I "know" through blogging or the Lost discussion groups I used to participate in.  My newsfeed provides me with a lot of entertainment, although it is usually filled with the same few dozen people's posts (thanks to Facebook's algorithms).

But regardless of this somewhat alarmingly high number of Facebook friends, it strikes me as really sad that I don't have one person I can call up to go to a movie with or grab a bite to eat.  Most of my "friends" on Facebook are people I went to school with a long time ago and lost touch with and then magically got connected with through the "people you might know" feature.  These are not people that I have stayed friends with.  It would be awkward as hell to randomly call one of them up "just to talk". 

Maybe that is the depression talking.  "Who would want to hang out with you?" it says.  "You're no fun." 

I guess I am just feeling a little lonely lately.  The couple of friends that I have are busy with their families and their lives and it is hard for them to get a few hours away to meet up.  I am ALWAYS the one that initiates contact and that kind of bothers me.  It would be nice to have someone call me up and invite me out once in a while. 

I am tempted to post on Facebook that I have 557 Facebook friends and does anyone want to get together this weekend?  Would that be weird/pathetic?