Failing my kid

I am failing my kid in a lot of ways because I am constantly, chronically depressed.  No matter what meds I am on or what kinds of therapy I do, the depression clings to me like a wet blanket and does not allow me to be fun or have fun.  It has been months since I have so much as been out for coffee with a friend and I have done nothing but work, eat and sleep for so long that it feels like it is normal.

It seems like so much work to just do the bare necessities of taking care of her.  Getting her up for school in the morning, making her lunch, getting her to get dressed.  A lot of days I feel like just letting her stay home so that I don't have to do it.  So much work.  When I was a kid, I missed a lot of school and now I know that it was because my mother was so overwhelmed with the process of getting me up that she often didn't bother.  Now I know it was her depression that failed me.  I don't want to do this to my kid so I get her out of the house most days. 

But she has never had a friend come over to my house to play.  Again, it just seems like so much work.  I would have to clean the house really good, come up with some activities, plan a snack.  It just feels like too much.  And although I have encouraged my daughter to get some of her classmates' phone numbers she has not done it.  I don't see myself going to the school handbook and calling any of those parents out of the blue.  When I was a kid I called my friends to come over all the time.  My parents never set up play dates. I don't even know if my friends asked their parents permission.  But Lila is not me.  She is having a hard time in school and tells me that she really doesn't have any friends.  She usually hangs out with one boy who she tells me was singled out by one of the mean girls. 

This year she isn't taking part in any after-school activities.  Her school offers so many programs: dance, karate, drama club, sports. But she doesn't want to do any of them this year even though previously she has been involved in at least ONE thing.  And because it feels like so much work, I am not going to go out of my way to get her involved in anything outside of school like Girl Scouts (and have to sell the cookies! No way!).  The one thing that she showed some interest in was chorus but that required a commitment 2 nights a week at 6 pm and there was no way I was going to drive her there across town, and sit in the car for an hour and a half twice a week.  If it is right after school then okay.  I will arrange to have her picked up.  But we do not live close to the school so me going home and coming back later was not really practical.

And in this way I am failing her.  I wish that I felt better so that all these little things didn't seem like such a big deal.  But they do feel like a big deal.  Rather than feeling like I would be doing something wonderful for my daughter it feels like I am doing something so burdensome that I just can't bring myself to do it.  And so my kid suffers from my illness.

One thing that is totally unrelated though:  My daughter is kind of a spaz.  She tries really hard to make people laugh and I suspect that her trying so hard is what makes the other kids at school sort of shy away from her.  I think she can be a little overwhelming when she is trying so hard to be funny.  Today I was writing in my journal and had a thought.  Perhaps her constant trying to make people laugh is because I so desperately need someone to cheer me up.  Maybe this illness that I suffer from is the reason she is so goofy all the time.  Usually her efforts fall flat on me.  I often wish I had a more laid back kid.  But what if she is just trying to lighten what is often a somber mood in our house? 

Then again, it is so easy to believe that we are the cause of all our kids' problems and so hard to believe that we are the root of their successes.