It's not so dark

I feel the darkness abating. 

I have been out of the hospital for two weeks now and I am settled back into my life.  With the addition of the Trazodone for sleep (and to help with the anxiety that jolts me awake in the morning like a fire alarm) and the low dose of Wellbutrin, I think I have stopped my free-fall and am now able to feel around and look for a way to climb back up. 

I am not as exhausted (although I am still pretty tired) and I actually want to be out and around people a little bit. 

This last week I went to a support group for Depression and Bipolar Disorder, which I totally expected to be filled with the truly insane and desperate.  Normally, this is the kind of thing I would avoid like the plague, but part of my treatment plan at the hospital was that I join SOME kind of group to have a reason to get the hell out of the house.  So I figured that this would kill 2 birds with 1 stone, both the group thing and the support/talking thing.  I found that there were some good, normal people there who struggle with many of the same things I do and I am actually looking forward to going back next week. 

I had a nasty cold this week and usually, with my insane fatigue, I never would have made it to work but I went and actually am enjoying a project that I have been given, to the point that I am OFFERING to work extra hours. 

Ben still seems disappointed.  I think he thought that I would come home and be all over him and loving and thrilled to be around him all the time, but the truth is that day to day life makes that difficult.  I still feel guilty all the time for "making him" put up with me and this illness but I am noticing now when I feel that way and trying to talk about it rather than stuff the feelings into that darkness. 

I am enjoying Lila a little more, although I am still feeling pretty short with her.  She IS a pain in the ass sometimes and I can honestly say that it's ok.  She's 4.  Just knowing that I haven't already damaged her with my craziness is a huge burden off of me and I can move forward now.

I am still waiting to hear from the counseling center.  I was told that it may take 2 weeks, but I am going to give them a call on Monday and see what the status of my...whatever...is. 

So all in all, I think I am doing ok, and certainly the crisis has been averted.