An observation from many years of experience

Things are more difficult for me than other people.

This is not the depression talking or some kind of strange paranoia. 

This is based on a lifetime of seeing what most people see as simple, routine situations becoming these extremely stress-filled, complicated ordeals for me, at seemingly (and THAT word is how I know this isn't the depression talking - because I am willing to cede that I am doing something wrong) no fault of my own.

Take this whole "getting a therapist" thing. 

For most people, if you are referred to a therapist (or doctor or basically any organization for that matter because my terrible luck doesn't discriminate), you do the paperwork, and go through the hoops and within a few days, you have your appointment and therapy commences. 

For me that simple outcome is just a fantasy.  Because although I was TOLD that I was all set and someone would call me at the end of the week, it has now been almost THREE weeks.  I have called.  The first time I called, I was told someone would take care of it.  The second, I was given the voice mail of a person I was told could help me.  I actually left a few messages for her and never heard back so I called again and was given an "Office Manager." She told me she would speak to the person IN CHARGE of assigning me to a therapist and call me back by the end of the day.  When I didn't hear from her by 4:45, I called back and got a voice mail.  Still I am not in therapy.

But this isn't the first time this kind of thing has happened to me.  I cannot tell you how many important medical forms have been "misplaced" or conversations have been forgotten. 

When I was pregnant, my OB ordered blood work to test for spinal abnormalities.  As a hypochondriac, I pleaded with him to call me whether the tests were positive or negative and stressed that (because I am crazy) I was REALLY worried about this.  I never heard back from him, and when I called, the nurse looked at my chart and had no idea what I was talking about.  I was freaking out for weeks until my next appointment.  When I finally got in to see the doctor and asked what the results of the blood work were, he looked at me with a blank stare.  He had NO IDEA what I was talking about.  He looked at my chart and shrugged, saying that he doesn't remember ordering the test.  "I HAD BLOOD DRAWN!" I said.  "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO WITH IT?"  Did they feed it to the vampires?  Use if for alien research?  Where the fuck was the TWO VIALS of blood they sucked out of my arm?  He didn't have the slightest recollection of my original panic attack or my request.  I obviously changed doctors immediately.  But when my new doc ordered an additional ultrasound to check on the spine, my insurance refused to pay it claiming it was "experimental or not a necessity" even though the doc personally wrote a letter explaining the situation with my former OB.  I ended up having to pay for it.

This kind of stuff happens to me all the time.  I have strange issues with bank accounts, problems with payments never being received, so-called "professionals" who totally blew me off, and electronics that just flat-out hate me.  We used to have a DVD player that WOULD NOT WORK when I tried to use it.  I would put a disc in and it would tell me there was no disc.  I would eject, make sure I was placing it right, clean the disc, turn it off then on again, check to see if it was upside down, and it would still not work.  Ben would go over, hit "eject" then put the disc back in and it would work with no problem.  He didn't blow into it or anything.  He just wasn't me. 

On several occasions I have attempted to review my behaviors to ascertain in what ways I contributed to this chaos.  I have had people listen to the messages I am leaving to make sure I am not coming off as an asshole or anything.  I have kept notes and records of conversations because I thought maybe I was getting confused about what was actually being said.  I repeat things back to people like, "so you will call me by the end of today then?" and they seem to agree with what I think I am hearing.  I just can't put my finger on anything that I am doing wrong. It appears that I just have really shitty luck.