It's been an eventful week. I went to Florida last week to celebrate my brother's adoption of a baby. He had a huge party and there were about 100 people there. I went with my parents and my daughter. We had a good time overall.
My brother owns a bar. He does really well for himself. The bar is really popular and he doesn't have to worry about money. My parents are really proud of him and you can tell because they talk about him all the time. I have to admit, it makes me feel like kind of a loser. My brother told me that in 2014 he made over $800,000 for the year. I am barely scraping by and until last month was on food stamps because I jut now make too much to be on them. My mother worries about me. She says that she can't die because I am not happy. She wants to know that I will be alright without her. I don't know if I would be.
I don't think I will ever know what it is like to not have to worry about money. One of my greatest fears is that my depression gets worse and I have to go on disability. I have earned so little in my life that I would be living on a few hundred dollars a month. I worry about this a lot actually. I am afraid that the level-headedness that I have right now is temporary. At some point the meds will stop working and I will be sick again, stripped down and in that thick suffocating fog. Then what will I do? How will I support myself? At my last job, when I went out because I was hospitalized they were all tremendously understanding. My job was safe. I don't think this job would be as secure. If I am not here there is nobody to do the work. They would need to get someone else in here immediately. I would be fired.
But enough of my catastrophizing.
We went out to eat a lot and of course Lila and I went to the beach. But the weather didn't really cooperate with us and it rained 3 out of the 5 days we were there. The day we went to the beach it only went up to 72 degrees so we were a little cold. That didn't prevent Lila from going into the ocean though. We missed a huge snow storm while we were gone. My city got almost 2 feet of snow. It was all waiting here for me when I got back.
Lila and I slept on the couch during our trip. I actually slept pretty well there. It felt good to not have to be exhausted all day. But I came back and last night I slept like shit. I don't know why I slept so well there but can't sleep for shit when I am home. You would think that sleeping on a couch is not conducive to sleeping well but apparently you would be wrong. I was really hoping that the sleeplessness was behind me. I'm not sure what to do.
Maybe it's my job that's keeping me up at night. I wouldn't say that I hate it. I actually enjoy the work that I do when there is work. But my days are long and there isn't much going on right now and I am pretty bored for most of the day. Today, after being gone a week, I had a lot to catch up on. I only had enough to keep me busy until about noon. I am sitting at work now writing this. I am not someone who likes having a lot of down time. Add to it that I am alone in the office most days and you have a recipe for depression. My job does not afford me the opportunity to meet new people or challenge me in any way. I don't really dread going to work but today I really thought about calling in sick. The only reason I didn't is because I knew it was just delaying the inevitable. I would have to come back eventually.
Have any of you had insomnia? I would like to hear about it if you did and what you did to help it.
Thursday, February 12, 2015
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
It's been a while
Yes, I still have this blog. But issues with my computer at home have kept me from posting. Now that it is the down time at work I hope to have a little more time to post while I try to find something to do to fill my days.
A little update. I have a new job since the last time I was here. I like it for the most part. Although like I said, it is really quiet this time of year and I spend a lot of my day surfing the web looking for something to read. I have new health insurance and although having a job that offers health insurance is certainly a good thing I can't say much about the plan that I have. The prescription plan kind of sucks. One of the meds that I was on, Saphris, is only covered 50% and it is over $500 for a month's supply so I can't afford to take it anymore. Now that I have stopped taking it I am not sleeping at all. My doc tried me on Ambien CR but I only got 3 hours of sleep out of it. Not sleeping really messes with your head.
I am irritable. I am not getting out of the house much except for work and I have little appetite. I feel bad for my daughter because I am not much fun to be around. I snap at her too easily and don't want to take her anywhere. It is just too much effort. It's weird because I don't have that awful hopeless dark feeling I usually have when I feel depressed but I have all the symptoms. I have a hard time showering every day (I don't do it actually) and have totally let my appearance go. I can't tell you the last time I plucked my eyebrows or had a manicure. And all this was while I was on the Saphris so I suppose it wasn't really working all that well for me. I still take Cymbalta and Wellbutrin but they don't seem to have much of an effect on me. I know if I was to try to come off them I would be a disaster though so adding a new med is the only option really.
My doctor is going to try me on Zyprexa. My mom is on it and she swears by it. The problem with Zyprexa is that it causes huge amounts of weight gain and can cause things like high blood sugar and high triglycerides in people. I will need to be monitored on it. I call it a wash because in the last year or so I haven't had much of an appetite so I lost a ton of weight. Right now I am willing to take anything if it will help me sleep. This should do that for me at least. And maybe it will have the fringe benefit of actually making me feel a little better.
I feel like this is a really boring post but I think I am just out of practice writing. My writing chops need to be sharpened and I need to do more of it to get my voice back. I went back the other day and read some of my old posts and really liked them. I will get there again.
So if anyone is still reading this, nice to see you here. Say hi in the comments.
A little update. I have a new job since the last time I was here. I like it for the most part. Although like I said, it is really quiet this time of year and I spend a lot of my day surfing the web looking for something to read. I have new health insurance and although having a job that offers health insurance is certainly a good thing I can't say much about the plan that I have. The prescription plan kind of sucks. One of the meds that I was on, Saphris, is only covered 50% and it is over $500 for a month's supply so I can't afford to take it anymore. Now that I have stopped taking it I am not sleeping at all. My doc tried me on Ambien CR but I only got 3 hours of sleep out of it. Not sleeping really messes with your head.
I am irritable. I am not getting out of the house much except for work and I have little appetite. I feel bad for my daughter because I am not much fun to be around. I snap at her too easily and don't want to take her anywhere. It is just too much effort. It's weird because I don't have that awful hopeless dark feeling I usually have when I feel depressed but I have all the symptoms. I have a hard time showering every day (I don't do it actually) and have totally let my appearance go. I can't tell you the last time I plucked my eyebrows or had a manicure. And all this was while I was on the Saphris so I suppose it wasn't really working all that well for me. I still take Cymbalta and Wellbutrin but they don't seem to have much of an effect on me. I know if I was to try to come off them I would be a disaster though so adding a new med is the only option really.
My doctor is going to try me on Zyprexa. My mom is on it and she swears by it. The problem with Zyprexa is that it causes huge amounts of weight gain and can cause things like high blood sugar and high triglycerides in people. I will need to be monitored on it. I call it a wash because in the last year or so I haven't had much of an appetite so I lost a ton of weight. Right now I am willing to take anything if it will help me sleep. This should do that for me at least. And maybe it will have the fringe benefit of actually making me feel a little better.
I feel like this is a really boring post but I think I am just out of practice writing. My writing chops need to be sharpened and I need to do more of it to get my voice back. I went back the other day and read some of my old posts and really liked them. I will get there again.
So if anyone is still reading this, nice to see you here. Say hi in the comments.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
No fun
I don't remember the last time I had fun. There was a day last year, July 4th actually, where I remember thinking that I was really enjoying myself. I was at a baseball game with my daughter and she wasn't into the game at all. She wanted to play on my iphone. So I let her. And she was making goofy videos of herself. I kept peeking my head into her videos photobombing her and we were laughing. That is the last time I remember having fun.
This is no way to live. My life is so boring. And not working just amplifies how bored I am. How can you go almost an entire year without any fun? How do you make a fun time? Generally my time with my daughter feels like work. Even when we are going somewhere that is supposed to be fun I still feel like it is work. Just getting dressed feels like work. So going somewhere is even more work. I think I don't know how to let go. I don't know how to have fun. I am so stuck in my own head that I can't get outside of it in order to enjoy myself. I barely ever smile. I never laugh. This is no way to live.
I don't know if adjusting my medications would help. I am pretty stable. I just feel blah. But I am so terrified of being down in that deep, black hole again that I don't want to mess with the meds. Because like I said, I am stable. I don't know that adjusting the meds would help with my life. My life is boring. I don't have anything to excite me. I don't know how to go about getting that. I remember that I used to be exciting. I used to go out and have boyfriends and have fun. But that seems like it was so long ago that I don't know if I can ever get back to that.
Something has got to give. I need some relief from this boredom. I need to feel alive again.
This is no way to live. My life is so boring. And not working just amplifies how bored I am. How can you go almost an entire year without any fun? How do you make a fun time? Generally my time with my daughter feels like work. Even when we are going somewhere that is supposed to be fun I still feel like it is work. Just getting dressed feels like work. So going somewhere is even more work. I think I don't know how to let go. I don't know how to have fun. I am so stuck in my own head that I can't get outside of it in order to enjoy myself. I barely ever smile. I never laugh. This is no way to live.
I don't know if adjusting my medications would help. I am pretty stable. I just feel blah. But I am so terrified of being down in that deep, black hole again that I don't want to mess with the meds. Because like I said, I am stable. I don't know that adjusting the meds would help with my life. My life is boring. I don't have anything to excite me. I don't know how to go about getting that. I remember that I used to be exciting. I used to go out and have boyfriends and have fun. But that seems like it was so long ago that I don't know if I can ever get back to that.
Something has got to give. I need some relief from this boredom. I need to feel alive again.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Unemployed
I'm unemployed. I have worked since I was 15 years old and now I find myself unemployed. The depression has been held at bay for a while now thanks to a nice mixture of anti-depressants and my circumstances have settled down. I no longer live with B and have been on my own for almost a year now. I took a full time job that I hated and I fucked that up and now I am unemployed and losing my mind. Suddenly my mood has taken a turn for the worst and I have been struggling with that lack of pleasure again.
I don't like job hunting. It isn't easy for someone like me who isn't particularly outgoing to do well in a job interview. I feel like everyone wants someone who is cheery and personable and I am not feeling much like that these days. I try to fake it but I think they can tell. They must be able to tell because I haven't gotten any of the jobs that I have interviewed for.
The stress of not knowing where my next pay day is coming from is difficult. I am lucky in that I live upstairs from my parents so they understand that I don't have rent money for them but they really need the money. It causes me stress because I know that they need the money and they want to help me which makes me feel guilty. Additionally, I don't have money for anything extra. No going to lunch or going shopping. I have been living off my meager savings and that isn't going to last for very much longer. Something has got to give. I don't want to have to go and apply for public assistance but if I don't find a job in the very near future I am going to have to do just that. And then I will be one of those people.
I don't know if adjusting my medications will help me at all. I don't think that my recent mood has anything to do with anything other than my circumstances. I wish there was a magic pill that would put me in a good mood because that would surely help with my job hunt. But I think I am going to have to struggle to will myself out of this rut that I am in. I have to be better. For my daughter who doesn't understand what is going on. I have to try to find pleasure in the little things again. Because that is the only thing that is going to keep me going.
I don't like job hunting. It isn't easy for someone like me who isn't particularly outgoing to do well in a job interview. I feel like everyone wants someone who is cheery and personable and I am not feeling much like that these days. I try to fake it but I think they can tell. They must be able to tell because I haven't gotten any of the jobs that I have interviewed for.
The stress of not knowing where my next pay day is coming from is difficult. I am lucky in that I live upstairs from my parents so they understand that I don't have rent money for them but they really need the money. It causes me stress because I know that they need the money and they want to help me which makes me feel guilty. Additionally, I don't have money for anything extra. No going to lunch or going shopping. I have been living off my meager savings and that isn't going to last for very much longer. Something has got to give. I don't want to have to go and apply for public assistance but if I don't find a job in the very near future I am going to have to do just that. And then I will be one of those people.
I don't know if adjusting my medications will help me at all. I don't think that my recent mood has anything to do with anything other than my circumstances. I wish there was a magic pill that would put me in a good mood because that would surely help with my job hunt. But I think I am going to have to struggle to will myself out of this rut that I am in. I have to be better. For my daughter who doesn't understand what is going on. I have to try to find pleasure in the little things again. Because that is the only thing that is going to keep me going.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Daffodils
I went outside and picked some daffodils today.
This may not seem like much but 3 days after stopping the Abilify I am beginning to feel a spark of life inside me. The daffodils are a symbol of that life. And I brought them into my house and put them in a pretty vase and felt a wave of something like joy mixed with satisfaction that was absent for some time. I set them on the living room table and just stared at their cheerful yellow faces and told myself that I was going to be okay.
It has been a long winter and the signs of spring are finally showing themselves and I am feeling optimistic today that the gloom and gray of winter is moving out and allowing the delight and sunshine to move into its place. I am also optimistic that I am going to survive this most recent detour into misery and that I will also begin to see some new buds of hope unfolding within me. Something has got to give, right?
Did I mention that I haven't moved out yet? That is happening at the end of this month.
This may not seem like much but 3 days after stopping the Abilify I am beginning to feel a spark of life inside me. The daffodils are a symbol of that life. And I brought them into my house and put them in a pretty vase and felt a wave of something like joy mixed with satisfaction that was absent for some time. I set them on the living room table and just stared at their cheerful yellow faces and told myself that I was going to be okay.
It has been a long winter and the signs of spring are finally showing themselves and I am feeling optimistic today that the gloom and gray of winter is moving out and allowing the delight and sunshine to move into its place. I am also optimistic that I am going to survive this most recent detour into misery and that I will also begin to see some new buds of hope unfolding within me. Something has got to give, right?
Did I mention that I haven't moved out yet? That is happening at the end of this month.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Excruciating
I am having a hard time lately. For the past month or so it feels like every little thing is just awful.
It isn't just that the things I used to enjoy are not interesting to me. It's that NOTHING is interesting to me. Everything seems excruciating. Not just the things that every depressed person hates to do. Not the way that showering seems like a climb up Everest or cleaning the house is like being water-boarded. I mean simple things. There isn't a show on tv that isn't boring. Nothing my kid does makes me smile (I mean, I fake it for her sake but honestly nothing does). Nothing on the internet could possibly amuse me. Eating is a chore. "Relaxing" used to be heavenly. Now I dread having unstructured time because all that I want to do is sleep. And when I DO have to do something it is a mental wrestling match where going back to bed almost always wins.
This is not the kind of depression I usually suffer from. In my usual state I can at least talk myself into not HATING everything. I can usually go through the motions. This kind of depression makes calling a friend for coffee feel like agony. And sitting through another boring conversation feel like sitting through a root canal.
The worst part is how this makes me a really terrible mother. I am finding no joy in her. I see her doing these things that SHOULD fill me with pride but all I feel is empty. She makes these videos of herself and when she plays them for me I want to scream because they fill me with sadness. Playing with her is like hard labor where I am forced to put on a happy face and try to somehow ignore how awkward I am doing anything but sleeping. Needless to say, lately I barely play with her. I don't even have the energy to get mad at her when she does something wrong. I often just ignore it because I cannot face her tantrum or crying. This makes me a shitty parent.
I recently started Abilify in addition to the other anti-depressants I am taking. I also was put on Ambien for sleep problems. Has anyone else had these kinds of effects from these drugs or am I just spiraling down again?
It isn't just that the things I used to enjoy are not interesting to me. It's that NOTHING is interesting to me. Everything seems excruciating. Not just the things that every depressed person hates to do. Not the way that showering seems like a climb up Everest or cleaning the house is like being water-boarded. I mean simple things. There isn't a show on tv that isn't boring. Nothing my kid does makes me smile (I mean, I fake it for her sake but honestly nothing does). Nothing on the internet could possibly amuse me. Eating is a chore. "Relaxing" used to be heavenly. Now I dread having unstructured time because all that I want to do is sleep. And when I DO have to do something it is a mental wrestling match where going back to bed almost always wins.
This is not the kind of depression I usually suffer from. In my usual state I can at least talk myself into not HATING everything. I can usually go through the motions. This kind of depression makes calling a friend for coffee feel like agony. And sitting through another boring conversation feel like sitting through a root canal.
The worst part is how this makes me a really terrible mother. I am finding no joy in her. I see her doing these things that SHOULD fill me with pride but all I feel is empty. She makes these videos of herself and when she plays them for me I want to scream because they fill me with sadness. Playing with her is like hard labor where I am forced to put on a happy face and try to somehow ignore how awkward I am doing anything but sleeping. Needless to say, lately I barely play with her. I don't even have the energy to get mad at her when she does something wrong. I often just ignore it because I cannot face her tantrum or crying. This makes me a shitty parent.
I recently started Abilify in addition to the other anti-depressants I am taking. I also was put on Ambien for sleep problems. Has anyone else had these kinds of effects from these drugs or am I just spiraling down again?
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Alone
How do you guys do it? I am referring to those of you who live alone.
B took the kid to Florida for a wedding and I have been so bored out of my mind here with no kind of company, no plan, no purpose. I cleaned the house and did all my "chores" the first day and now the house is neat and I am sitting here debating whether to nap again or just look out the window. As I mentioned before, I have no one really to call and I no longer know how to pass my time alone.
I used to LOVE being alone. Before I was hospitalized I loved to read, nap and have long afternoons to catch up on DVDs that I haven't watched. I would go to the bookstore or library and shop alone, never missing anyone's company. But things are different now. I can't read. Nothing interests me at home. I don't want to read the newspaper or sit on Facebook. I went to the bookstore yesterday with my own permission to buy whatever I wanted and nothing appealed to me. I put on a movie after dinner and by 8:30 I was asleep, waking around 3 am because I was fully rested and not able to get back to sleep.
I will be on my own in a couple of weeks. What will I do? Half the week I will be alone and with no one to call and nothing to do. I can't possibly sleep that much. What will I do? Who will help me to ward off the blackness that I can barely keep away now with people here all the time?
B took the kid to Florida for a wedding and I have been so bored out of my mind here with no kind of company, no plan, no purpose. I cleaned the house and did all my "chores" the first day and now the house is neat and I am sitting here debating whether to nap again or just look out the window. As I mentioned before, I have no one really to call and I no longer know how to pass my time alone.
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I used to LOVE being alone. Before I was hospitalized I loved to read, nap and have long afternoons to catch up on DVDs that I haven't watched. I would go to the bookstore or library and shop alone, never missing anyone's company. But things are different now. I can't read. Nothing interests me at home. I don't want to read the newspaper or sit on Facebook. I went to the bookstore yesterday with my own permission to buy whatever I wanted and nothing appealed to me. I put on a movie after dinner and by 8:30 I was asleep, waking around 3 am because I was fully rested and not able to get back to sleep.
I will be on my own in a couple of weeks. What will I do? Half the week I will be alone and with no one to call and nothing to do. I can't possibly sleep that much. What will I do? Who will help me to ward off the blackness that I can barely keep away now with people here all the time?
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Loneliness
I am feeling so lonely today.
I wonder if it is common for those with depression to have so few friends.
I have always found it hard to truly connect with people and have had only a handful of real friends in my life. I have never really "made" new friends. People have occasionally just taken a liking to me and done all the work to be in my life until I realized they were important to me. I do not know how to begin this process.
I am jealous of everyone, all the time. Mostly because I know that even those who claim to have "only a few friends" still have people they can call just to talk. They have people to come and drag them out of the house even if they are kicking and screaming. No one does that for me. And so I drift further and further into myself, just waiting for someone to save me. I know that no one will.
Right now I am living in a very stressful situation, still waiting for something to happen and not having any real time frame for when I can finally be free. And I have no one to just vent to. I have no one I can call to go out and get my mind off things. NOT ONE SOUL. Because I have no one who understands that nothing feels good right now. Nothing feels like it will make me feel better, no matter how much I want to feel something other than this.
Welcome to my pity party.
I wonder if it is common for those with depression to have so few friends.
I have always found it hard to truly connect with people and have had only a handful of real friends in my life. I have never really "made" new friends. People have occasionally just taken a liking to me and done all the work to be in my life until I realized they were important to me. I do not know how to begin this process.
I am jealous of everyone, all the time. Mostly because I know that even those who claim to have "only a few friends" still have people they can call just to talk. They have people to come and drag them out of the house even if they are kicking and screaming. No one does that for me. And so I drift further and further into myself, just waiting for someone to save me. I know that no one will.
Right now I am living in a very stressful situation, still waiting for something to happen and not having any real time frame for when I can finally be free. And I have no one to just vent to. I have no one I can call to go out and get my mind off things. NOT ONE SOUL. Because I have no one who understands that nothing feels good right now. Nothing feels like it will make me feel better, no matter how much I want to feel something other than this.
Welcome to my pity party.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Today
When I opened my eyes this morning I had the briefest of feelings like I was going to be normal today. I would get out of bed, clean up the house, go to work and perhaps even run some errands. I would function and accomplish something because today was going to be a good day.
But something happened between that flash and the time I got coffee in my cup. Nothing actually happened, except for that shift that occurs when suddenly I remember where I am and who I am and begin to feel overwhelmed with all the simple mundane tasks it will take to get any of that shit done.
I am sinking again. I am sinking and not doing a damn thing to try to bale water. I am feeling that filthy sludge coming up over my ankles and bearing down on my knees but I am too tired and terrified to move. "Let me just sit here for a minute," I think. But then a minute turns to hours and hours turn to days and what was at first a puddle becomes a dark murky swamp and I realize I no longer have the option to just move. It has become thick like quicksand and I am sinking again.
Of course, I will try to get up. I will try to shower. If that goes okay, I will leave the house, if only to pick L up from school. I will come home and attempt to engage her in some kind of show of enjoying her company. And I will only do these things because EVERYONE tells me I should and that it will help - even though in my experience it is not likely.
I have learned that I have to sometimes let this thing run its course.
But something happened between that flash and the time I got coffee in my cup. Nothing actually happened, except for that shift that occurs when suddenly I remember where I am and who I am and begin to feel overwhelmed with all the simple mundane tasks it will take to get any of that shit done.
I am sinking again. I am sinking and not doing a damn thing to try to bale water. I am feeling that filthy sludge coming up over my ankles and bearing down on my knees but I am too tired and terrified to move. "Let me just sit here for a minute," I think. But then a minute turns to hours and hours turn to days and what was at first a puddle becomes a dark murky swamp and I realize I no longer have the option to just move. It has become thick like quicksand and I am sinking again.
Of course, I will try to get up. I will try to shower. If that goes okay, I will leave the house, if only to pick L up from school. I will come home and attempt to engage her in some kind of show of enjoying her company. And I will only do these things because EVERYONE tells me I should and that it will help - even though in my experience it is not likely.
I have learned that I have to sometimes let this thing run its course.
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