I don't remember the last time I had fun. There was a day last year, July 4th actually, where I remember thinking that I was really enjoying myself. I was at a baseball game with my daughter and she wasn't into the game at all. She wanted to play on my iphone. So I let her. And she was making goofy videos of herself. I kept peeking my head into her videos photobombing her and we were laughing. That is the last time I remember having fun.
This is no way to live. My life is so boring. And not working just amplifies how bored I am. How can you go almost an entire year without any fun? How do you make a fun time? Generally my time with my daughter feels like work. Even when we are going somewhere that is supposed to be fun I still feel like it is work. Just getting dressed feels like work. So going somewhere is even more work. I think I don't know how to let go. I don't know how to have fun. I am so stuck in my own head that I can't get outside of it in order to enjoy myself. I barely ever smile. I never laugh. This is no way to live.
I don't know if adjusting my medications would help. I am pretty stable. I just feel blah. But I am so terrified of being down in that deep, black hole again that I don't want to mess with the meds. Because like I said, I am stable. I don't know that adjusting the meds would help with my life. My life is boring. I don't have anything to excite me. I don't know how to go about getting that. I remember that I used to be exciting. I used to go out and have boyfriends and have fun. But that seems like it was so long ago that I don't know if I can ever get back to that.
Something has got to give. I need some relief from this boredom. I need to feel alive again.
Work on your hobby. Work on your writing, you seem to be good. Use this time to focus on a project with it, book, letters, even submissions to depression charities. It'll put a bit of pressure on it in terns of deadlines, etc. but this is a very good thing. Suddenly you'll spend time thinking about the deadlines and project, instead of anything else.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean about the kids feeling like work. But I give myself the focus of writing and picking one cause to follow intently. You don't even need to truly believe in what your doing, it's just that it gives you a purpose, a reason to keep an eye on things and develop your skills, and an end product that you want to be as good as it can be.
This is what I've tried to do. It means that in any spare, or down time I have, I spend on developing my skills and looking for outlets. This has two benefits, it shows me progress in what I'm doing, but also helps me to value the time with my kids.
You may have too much going on in your head. I know I have. I've tried to pick one cause and only think and work on that. Everything else can simple drift away, I'm not interested.
Anything can help, but you need to work on letting it.
It's 2:14 in the morning. I can't sleep...probably because I slept away most of the day. Laying here I type in, "Depression sucks," and up pops your blog a link or two in. Creepy... It's as if I wrote it myself with just a different last fun point. I feel you, God help me, my daughter times feel the same often. This whole thing is crumbling me to peices. I wish I had the answers too. I just pray I can hold out till it comes...if it does.
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ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to this post! Visit my blog!
ReplyDeleteYou have a lovely blog. I'm thinking mine is a little too brutal. Might change it up a bit.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I think it's just life that sucks. Minus the meds and the boyfriend part...I totally relate to your last paragraph. It's like I've had so much on my mind I havent even managed to do much with my own blog, and just never even looked to see if you had new postings. sorry about that.
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