Online dating and the depressed girl

I have had a couple of online dating profiles for about a year now.  I haven't had much luck. When I first signed up I found quite a few attractive guys and even met a few of them.  We would simply meet for coffee as I figured that was a quick and easy way to meet for a date where you didn't have to sit through a big expensive meal if you didn't like them.  None of them really did much for me so I left it at one date.

Then it sort of fizzled out.  The last several months there have been many attractive guys that I messaged with, a few that I texted with but they seemed content to just converse that way and never pushed to meet.  I admit, neither did I. 

Because while I want to have someone in my life to fight off the loneliness, I just didn't think that any of these guys would amount to much in the relationship department. I enjoyed having someone to chat with but was reluctant to make that next step and ask them to meet. 

I would almost rather sit home and watch TV than get all dressed up and get all ready to meet a guy who most likely I would only meet once and never talk to them again.  I don't know if this is a symptom of my depression or if I just don't want to be dating. 

Its kind of hard to tell the difference.

I know that I am not really depressed.  I don't have that awful hopeless feeling that things are never going to get better.  I feel ok.  My energy level seems ok.  But I have a lot of the symptoms of depression:  I don't sleep well, even with the medications the doc gave me. I have a hard time showering every day.  I kind of avoid it until I start to feel dirty, usually every 2nd of 3rd day.  My appetite has been nonexistent and I actually lost 50 lbs in the last year and a half.  I don't really leave the house for anything other than work and my weekly trip to the grocery store.  I started a new medication that has helped with my appetite and I seem to be in a slightly better mood but the other symptoms persist. 

The thing is that I have never in my life thought that I didn't want to date.  Before Ben I always had a boyfriend (or 2?) and as soon as one was looking like it was a lost cause I would have another one lined up.  I tried desperately not to be alone.  I just don't even recognize this feeling of not really feeling up to meeting someone new.

I worry that this is not just a phase.  That I am permanently depressed and will never get to the point where I want a relationship and I will end up alone and old.  I worry that if I decide to just take some time (a few years?) and stay single for a while that I will miss out on someone great and again, I will end up old and alone. 

Actually finding someone to date will require me to knock off some of my depressed habits. I will need to shower every day.  I will need to get my ass dressed and out of the house to see someone.  Of course, I would hope that meeting someone I like would make me WANT to get out of the house to see them so I wouldn't struggle with this so much but this is sort of a catch-22.  I want to meet someone so that I will feel like getting dressed and going out but I need to get dressed and go out to meet someone. 

I have disabled my dating profiles for now.  I still look at the site and figure that if I see someone worth messaging I will reactivate it.  But the longer I have been on this site the fewer attractive candidates there are to choose from.  And the guys that message me?  Most of them are either in their 50's looking for a younger chick or in their 20s looking for that cougar.  I am not interested in it either way.  I am not looking for a sex thing.  And I am not looking for a sugar daddy.  I just want a guy who is my age who likes low key activities like eating out and going to the movies who also happens to be good looking and employed.  I don't think that is asking for much.