The anxiety is starting to creep in again. And I am starting to worry. I am worried that I am not going to be okay. I am worried that I am not actually getting better. I find myself wanting to sleep. I want to be left alone. I don't feel like going to work. And I feel like if I give in to these things, if I allow myself to feel bad then the bad feelings will come flooding through and engulf me and I will again drown in the undercurrent.
I have contemplated sitting down for 20 minutes and just posting SOMETHING in my motherhood blog. But nothing seems worthy of note. Lila is behaving and I am not getting angry at her so much. I haven't posted in weeks and I want to pretend like I just have nothing to say but the truth is that I am just afraid. If I stop for a few minutes and put it down, if I acknowledge that I am still frustrated and annoyed and feel like pulling my hair out, I will be looking right into the face of my demons and looking at it will somehow allow it to take over.
I feel that way now, writing this. Like I have been doing a great job of running and dodging and staying ahead of it. And now I have stopped to see if it is still there behind me. You know what happens when characters in movies stop and think their pursuer isn't there anymore, right?
Still here. Next to you. Just want you to know that. You're not alone.
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I truly believe that the deepest souls feel the darkness the most. At least that is what I tell myself. One helpful thing is to really keep on moving and let these feelings pass over you. Don't stop and melt into them. Do a lot of walking and play fun music. I know that sounds like lame advice but give it a try.
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