I feel it creeping back again. It hides in the dark corners of my mind and I feel like it is just waiting to spring itself on me. I am not sleeping well. I am gaining weight. I have no interest in leaving my house. Every single day I contemplate calling in sick to work. A couple of days I have done it.
This is what relapsing into depression looks like. I know it. I have been here enough times to recognize the symptoms. I am terrified. I am on medication. I have been doing pretty well. Or at least I thought I was doing pretty well. But looking at my journal entries from the last several months I am seeing that I have not been doing all that great. I was suffering a lot of the symptoms of depression but my mood was ok so I thought I was in the clear. Well in the last couple of weeks, my mood has been miserable and I can't seem to just will myself out of it.
I know I need to see my doctor about adjusting my meds. It is time to do that again. I dread it because I fear withdrawal symptoms almost as much as I fear the depression itself. I have been on so many combinations. I just don't know what else there is for me to try. I have been on Cymbalta for almost 10 years. Maybe its time to give that a switch. Maybe it's the anti=psychotic he gave me to boost the effects of the Cymbalta. Maybe I need to get back on the Wellbutrin that I was sure had saved my live when I was hospitalized. I never should have gone off that.
My boyfriend tries to be understanding but he hates that I just want to sleep all the time. I don't want to go out on date nights. I'm too exhausted from not sleeping all night. I tried Ambien but it did nothing. My doc has me on another medication that isn't technically for sleep but it helps with sleep. It helps to a point. But I am still only getting about 5-6 hours a night and that just isn't enough for me. The worst thing is that when I do have a chance to nap I just lay there unable to sleep even then. It seems I am constantly fighting a battle with sleep, which used to be one of my favorite old friends.
I am due back to the doctors in 2 weeks. I am hoping I can last that long without having a major episode. I hope that this slide into depression takes its time. I am hoping he can help me.
