I don't remember the last time I had fun. There was a day last year, July 4th actually, where I remember thinking that I was really enjoying myself. I was at a baseball game with my daughter and she wasn't into the game at all. She wanted to play on my iphone. So I let her. And she was making goofy videos of herself. I kept peeking my head into her videos photobombing her and we were laughing. That is the last time I remember having fun.
This is no way to live. My life is so boring. And not working just amplifies how bored I am. How can you go almost an entire year without any fun? How do you make a fun time? Generally my time with my daughter feels like work. Even when we are going somewhere that is supposed to be fun I still feel like it is work. Just getting dressed feels like work. So going somewhere is even more work. I think I don't know how to let go. I don't know how to have fun. I am so stuck in my own head that I can't get outside of it in order to enjoy myself. I barely ever smile. I never laugh. This is no way to live.
I don't know if adjusting my medications would help. I am pretty stable. I just feel blah. But I am so terrified of being down in that deep, black hole again that I don't want to mess with the meds. Because like I said, I am stable. I don't know that adjusting the meds would help with my life. My life is boring. I don't have anything to excite me. I don't know how to go about getting that. I remember that I used to be exciting. I used to go out and have boyfriends and have fun. But that seems like it was so long ago that I don't know if I can ever get back to that.
Something has got to give. I need some relief from this boredom. I need to feel alive again.
