No fun

I don't remember the last time I had fun.  There was a day last year, July 4th actually, where I remember thinking that I was really enjoying myself.  I was at a baseball game with my daughter and she wasn't into the game at all.  She wanted to play on my iphone.  So I let her.  And she was making goofy videos of herself.  I kept peeking my head into her videos photobombing her and we were laughing.  That is the last time I remember having fun.

This is no way to live.  My life is so boring.  And not working just amplifies how bored I am.  How can you go almost an entire year without any fun?  How do you make a fun time?  Generally my time with my daughter feels like work.  Even when we are going somewhere that is supposed to be fun I still feel like it is work.  Just getting dressed feels like work.  So going somewhere is even more work.  I think I don't know how to let go.  I don't know how to have fun.  I am so stuck in my own head that I can't get outside of it in order to enjoy myself.  I barely ever smile.  I never laugh.  This is no way to live.

I don't know if adjusting my medications would help.  I am pretty stable.  I just feel blah.  But I am so terrified of being down in that deep, black hole again that I don't want to mess with the meds.  Because like I said, I am stable.  I don't know that adjusting the meds would help with my life.  My life is boring.  I don't have anything to excite me.  I don't know how to go about getting that.  I remember that I used to be exciting.  I used to go out and have boyfriends and have fun.  But that seems like it was so long ago that I don't know if I can ever get back to that.

Something has got to give.  I need some relief from this boredom.  I need to feel alive again.  

Unemployed

I'm unemployed.  I have worked since I was 15 years old and now I find myself unemployed.  The depression has been held at bay for a while now thanks to a nice mixture of anti-depressants and my circumstances have settled down.  I no longer live with B and have been on my own for almost a year now. I took a full time job that I hated and I fucked that up and now I am unemployed and losing my mind. Suddenly my mood has taken a turn for the worst and I have been struggling with that lack of pleasure again.
I don't like job hunting.  It isn't easy for someone like me who isn't particularly outgoing to do well in a job interview.  I feel like everyone wants someone who is cheery and personable and I am not feeling much like that these days.  I try to fake it but I think they can tell.  They must be able to tell because I haven't gotten any of the jobs that I have interviewed for.

The stress of not knowing where my next pay day is coming from is difficult.  I am lucky in that I live upstairs from my parents so they understand that I don't have rent money for them but they really need the money.  It causes me stress because I know that they need the money and they want to help me which makes me feel guilty.  Additionally, I don't have money for anything extra.  No going to lunch or going shopping.  I have been living off my meager savings and that isn't going to last for very much longer.  Something has got to give.  I don't want to have to go and apply for public assistance but if I don't find a job in the very near future I am going to have to do just that.  And then I will be one of those people.

I don't know if adjusting my medications will help me at all.  I don't think that my recent mood has anything to do with anything other than my circumstances.  I wish there was a magic pill that would put me in a good mood because that would surely help with my job hunt.  But I think I am going to have to struggle to will myself out of this rut that I am in.  I have to be better.  For my daughter who doesn't understand what is going on.  I have to try to find pleasure in the little things again.  Because that is the only thing that is going to keep me going.