Daffodils

I went outside and picked some daffodils today.

This may not seem like much but 3 days after stopping the Abilify I am beginning to feel a spark of life inside me. The daffodils are a symbol of that life.  And I brought them into my house and put them in a pretty vase and felt a wave of something like joy mixed with satisfaction that was absent for some time.  I set them on the living room table and just stared at their cheerful yellow faces and told myself that I was going to be okay.

It has been a long winter and the signs of spring are finally showing themselves and I am feeling optimistic today that the gloom and gray of winter is moving out and allowing the delight and sunshine to move into its place.  I am also optimistic that I am going to survive this most recent detour into misery and that I will also begin to see some new buds of hope unfolding within me.  Something has got to give, right?

Did I mention that I haven't moved out yet?  That is happening at the end of this month.  

Excruciating

I am having a hard time lately.  For the past month or so it feels like every little thing is just awful.

It isn't just that the things I used to enjoy are not interesting to me.  It's that NOTHING is interesting to me.  Everything seems excruciating.  Not just the things that every depressed person hates to do.  Not the way that showering seems like a climb up Everest or cleaning the house is like being water-boarded.  I mean simple things.  There isn't a show on tv that isn't boring.  Nothing my kid does makes me smile (I mean, I fake it for her sake but honestly nothing does).  Nothing on the internet could possibly amuse me.  Eating is a chore.  "Relaxing" used to be heavenly.  Now I dread having unstructured time because all that I want to do is sleep.  And when I DO have to do something it is a mental wrestling match where going back to bed almost always wins.

This is not the kind of depression I usually suffer from.  In my usual state I can at least talk myself into not HATING everything.  I can usually go through the motions.  This kind of depression makes calling a friend for coffee feel like agony.  And sitting through another boring conversation feel like sitting through a root canal.

The worst part is how this makes me a really terrible mother.  I am finding no joy in her. I see her doing these things that SHOULD fill me with pride but all I feel is empty.  She makes these videos of herself and when she plays them for me I want to scream because they fill me with sadness.  Playing with her is like hard labor where I am forced to put on a happy face and try to somehow ignore how awkward I am doing anything but sleeping.  Needless to say, lately I barely play with her.  I don't even have the energy to get mad at her when she does something wrong.  I often just ignore it because I cannot face her tantrum or crying.  This makes me a shitty parent.

I recently started Abilify in addition to the other anti-depressants I am taking.  I also was put on Ambien for sleep problems.  Has anyone else had these kinds of effects from these drugs or am I just spiraling down again?