I freaked my therapist out this week. I went in on Wednesday as I always do and she immediately asked me what the hell was going on. I haven't been feeling depressed at all lately. In fact, I was completely out of my mind. She told me my eyes looked funny. That I seemed agitated. That it seemed like I couldn't help but interrupt her.
She made me an appointment to see the doctor for an evaluation.
I didn't FEEL like there was anything wrong. In fact, I felt like I was fully recovered. Like the depression had been defeated.
But I KNEW this wasn't right. At first, I was happy to see the old, crazy me re-appearing after all these years. The girl who flirted and said inappropriate things and made guys think they had a chance was back. She was frantically wanting to go out and do something - ANYTHING because she couldn't sit home. But in the few days before seeing my therapist, I had become almost crazed. I have been obsessing and rambling and not able to stop my mind or my mouth. I have been forgetting to eat and not wanting to sleep. I have been impulsive and reckless. I have been unable to get anything done at work because I couldn't stop and concentrate on any one thing for more than a few minutes.
The doctor asked me a lot of questions. My answers (at least to me) seemed to indicate that this was just a weird little bump for me. That perhaps I was just overly stressed or "acting out" because B and I have been having issues.
But as he questioned me, he also asked me about the time in my 20s that I refer to as "back when I was a crazy bitch". Something started to seem obvious. Although this was not "mania" in it's classic form, there were certainly characteristics of mania, and a pattern of these "periods" followed by severe anxiety and then a crash into the depths.
He threw out the words "hypomania" and "bipolar II". He said he didn't want to officially change my diagnosis yet, as it wasn't sufficient to cause impairment to my life...not yet, anyway.
Although the option was given to me to start on a mood stabilizer to mitigate any future episodes, I declined. My feeling was that I would wait and see if this is actually a recurrent thing or if I really am just acting crazy because of other factors in my life.
Two days later, I sit here on the verge of tears, wanting nothing more than to go back to bed and hide.
Fuck.
I can't believe I found this blog this morning. I, too, have hypomanic episodes -- and I LOVE THEM. They make my life worth living. I crave those episodes like a drug. That's when I'm the "me" I want to be all the time. I am insanely productive -- my house is so clean and organized during those times -- and I'm smiley and chatty and a really good mom. I pay bills, make phone calls I've been putting off, and get really creative with my work.
ReplyDeleteAnd then... the slow descent into the dark pit of unreasonable despair that unravels all the good things I did while hypomanic. And it lasts longer. I think I'm sliding into it now, as evidenced by my increasingly dirty house (A month ago, I stayed up until 4:30 am every night for a week, cleaning and folding laundry and kicking ass on the mom/wife front).
Are you on any meds? I started taking Wellbutrin after my 3rd pregnancy because of PPD (my first two pregnancies, I had PPD as well, and was in a very bad, bad, bad place after my 2nd daughter was born). It made me feel normal for the first time in my life, but that wore off after a few months. So I started seeing a new doctor who screened me for other mental health problems, and we agreed I also have Adult ADD in addition to what I call "low-grade" bipolar/hypomania. So now I'm on Adderall too. I felt great for a long time until about 3 months ago, and feel like the medicines aren't working as well as they were, but I worry that if I go back to the doctor, she'll think I'm being a pill popper.
Oh, and for background... I have been dealing with all of this since I was 7 or 8 years old, but was never treated until I was 31 for the PPD. And I am tired of it.
Anyway, sorry for the endless blather... thanks for your blog -- it came at the perfect time for me today! :)
I am so glad you commented. I take Cymbalta and Wellbutrin for my depression and I swear the addition of the Wellbutrin saved my life. I also had really severe PPD. I had my first diagnosed bout of depression when I was 13. It has been off and on since then.
ReplyDeleteThe idea that I have bipolar disorder is a little strange for me because depression dominates my mental landscape. But it would explain a lot of my insane behavior throughout my 20s.
I finally found your blog again (forgot to bookmark it)! Oh, my college years and early 20s were off the rails. I look back and wonder how I was never seriously hurt or killed, as my behavior and choices were so reckless and self-destructive. I had no boundaries for myself at all. Somehow, meeting my husband had a mellowing effect on me. Even after 10 years, I still feel more even-keeled when he's around.
ReplyDeleteI am uncomfortable with the bipolar label too, because I don't fit the typical idea of what a bipolar person is. I always think of this old episode of E.R. when Sally Field played someone's bipolar mom, and she was a huge embarrassment when she was manic. But hypomania is different. In fact, my doctor prefers not to treat the mania because my hypomanic episodes are actually kind of a positive thing for me (I am just so damn likeable during those times!), and she said she doesn't want to take that part of me. I thought that was very cool of her.
What are your hypomanic episodes like? Are you too high-strung and agitated? My mom is the one who can always detect when I'm "up" as she calls it. Of course, it's annoying to her, since it's another indicator that something is "wrong" with me. :)
I have been feeling a lot of agitation lately, but alongside depression instead of the crazy-happy. I've had a lot of impulsive anger, lots of overreacting and yelling, then almost immediate remorse. I'm not sure what is going on, but I'm still afraid to talk to my doctor, because I'm afraid she'll take away one of my happy pills and try to put me on an SSRI again (which nearly ruined my life, as when I was on Zoloft, I made a lot of really bad decisions because I was soooo laid back about everything.).
Okay, I've rambled again. I tend to do that. Thanks for listening. :)