I have this great new boyfriend. He's attentive. He texts me throughout the day and basically spends all his free time with me. He is practically living at my apartment at this point as he sleeps over every night. He's cute and has a terrific body. He's great in bed. I am really falling for him.
I don't think I should be in a relationship.
Regardless of all that I just said above, I am feeling extremely insecure. I just have this feeling that I can't trust him. He has done nothing to give me this impression. I just don't trust him. I got nosey and snooped through his tablet (he gets his text messages there as well as on his phone). I found that he was texting an ex girlfriend. It was nothing incriminating. Just basic "how have you been" kind of stuff. But all I can think is "Why are you staying in touch with her? Keeping your options open?" Of course I can't tell him I snooped. So I have to tell him I just have this gut feeling that something isn't right. He tells me that he has been texting this girl and says he was just wondering how she was doing as the relationship ended badly. I told him it bothers me. I told him that I am just feeling a little insecure because I like him so much. He told me insecurity is not very attractive.
All of this is very confusing to me. On the one hand I hear "trust your gut. If you have a feeling something isn't right it probably isn't." On the other hand, I am kind of a psycho. I have issues. I have absolutely no basis for feeling this way. I don't know if it is my gut or if it is my trust issues. Either way I am thinking maybe I am not cut out for a relationship right now.
I wish I was still in therapy so I could sort this out with someone. Someone who would tell me how unhealthy it is that I basically violated his privacy and snooped. I would be livid if he did something like reading my journal or snooping around my Facebook messages. In truth he would probably find things he didn't like in both places. I an not totally innocent. I was still seeing another guy when we first started talking. I never told him about that. But since things have gotten serious I have only had eyes for him.
Why is love so scary? Is it supposed to make me this nervous or is this just a sign that after 2 years I still am not ready to be involved with someone?
I worry that I am going to drive him away with my questions and concerns. How do I convince him that this is just a passing phase (I sure hope it is) and that I am worth getting through this with? How do I let him know that I am just terrified because I like him so much? Is it normal to be this scared? Do I listen to my "gut" or do I wait for some kind of sign that there is actually something going on?
I need a shrink.
