Update and other crap

OK.  It's been a long time since I posted anything here.  For a while after my last post, I was feeling a little better and was terrified that if I posted I would be jinxing myself and I was sure that the depression would seep in again.  So I avoided it (And isn't this a typical thing that depressives think?  That we couldn't POSSIBLE be just getting better.  Must be a fluke.).  But don't be offended.  I was avoiding posting on my other blog too...the one where I bitch about my (lack of) parenting ability. 

Then I DID start to feel like shit again, and I was afraid to post because I didn't want to just be whiny and miserable to the world.  And nobody wants to hear about how shitty I feel (because that's why you go to a blog about depression, right?  To find sunshine and kittens dipped in cotton candy?

No kittens were harmed in the making of this cotton candy.

So the weeks and months went by and I continued to do the therapy and the Depression and Bipolar meetings and gradually started thinking that there was more that I could do.  I needed to get my grove back.  And I am not talking about needing to go to Jamaica and bang Taye Diggs like Stella did (although I am sure that couldn't hurt).  I am talking about trying to remember who I was when I wasn't depressed.  Clearly there WAS at least some time in my life when I wasn't so miserable, right?

See what I mean?

Turns out that when I was a smart-assed, loud-mouthed, sarcastic and cynical, I had the ability to laugh shit off.  I could make some snide comment, get a laugh about it and move on.  I had to find my inner bitch again.

Now, I know what you're thinking.  "Selena, you sound like you were a total asshole back then, and all those things sound pretty negative."

Yeah, I kind of was (am).  But I wasn't stuck in my own head all the time.  I wasn't walking around constantly feeling guilty about the million ways I was not living up to everyone's expectations of me.  I was just me.  I was free from the bullshit and able to keep moving (even if my direction was questionable). 

So I decided to get fake nails (which, by the way, I absolutely hated up until recently because (1) I am just NOT that kind of girly girl, and (2) it makes me think of the "real housewives" of whoretown).  This may seem like something insignificant and vain, but seriously, I haven't felt pretty or polished in my appearance in a long time.  This was my obvious sign to myself that I needed to begin to give a shit about how I looked and felt.  The nails need upkeep and so did I.

Real Housewives of Barbieland
from wetpaint.com

I also started blogging again and have found my awful sense of (cruelty?) humor again. 

And also, I started watching food documentaries. I don't recommend that you do this unless you want to quit enjoying eating.  I watched Food, Inc. and Fast Food Nation, which made the thought of eating fast food or Hamburger Helper completely repulsive.  Then I watched A Beautiful Truth (you can also get it on Netflix) about the Gerson Therapy, which talks about the idea that perhaps eating whole, natural and plant-based foods can prevent and sometimes reverse certain diseases.  It was a slippery slope from there.  I have since watched every documentary remotely related to nutrition and food and realized that there is likely a connection between the crap that I have been eating and my feeling completely awful for most of my life.

About 3 weeks ago (after watching A Beautiful Truth) I started taking a Multivitamin, a B-Complex, and Probiotics.  I also am working on cutting down my coffee intake to 1 cup a day (which makes me EXTREMELY sad) and eating vegetarian 3 days a week (at some point, I will only eat meat as a supplement to my plant-based diet).  And I have to tell you, I FEEL PRETTY GOOD!

They want you to eat them, I swear.

I am not dragging all day and I am not needing naps.  I just seem to have a little more patience with the stupidity of others (although don't fu**ing push it) and am generally in a better mood and more able to find the humor in things. 

I am not really into trying weird foods, and I am also not really willing to risk the process of coming off my medications just yet, but I have to tell you, the improvement is dramatic.

I would highly recommend trying to cut down on meat and adding some B vitamins to any of you who are still struggling with depression even with medication.  The worst that can happen is nothing, and you might even find that you feel a little better.

I probably shouldn't make all these comments about how great it is because I tend to suck at sticking with things and am often guilty of sliding right back into my awful habits, but for now, this is working.

Try  Family Vegetarian Cooking for some seriously awesome recipes.