I don't remember the last time I had fun. There was a day last year, July 4th actually, where I remember thinking that I was really enjoying myself. I was at a baseball game with my daughter and she wasn't into the game at all. She wanted to play on my iphone. So I let her. And she was making goofy videos of herself. I kept peeking my head into her videos photobombing her and we were laughing. That is the last time I remember having fun.
This is no way to live. My life is so boring. And not working just amplifies how bored I am. How can you go almost an entire year without any fun? How do you make a fun time? Generally my time with my daughter feels like work. Even when we are going somewhere that is supposed to be fun I still feel like it is work. Just getting dressed feels like work. So going somewhere is even more work. I think I don't know how to let go. I don't know how to have fun. I am so stuck in my own head that I can't get outside of it in order to enjoy myself. I barely ever smile. I never laugh. This is no way to live.
I don't know if adjusting my medications would help. I am pretty stable. I just feel blah. But I am so terrified of being down in that deep, black hole again that I don't want to mess with the meds. Because like I said, I am stable. I don't know that adjusting the meds would help with my life. My life is boring. I don't have anything to excite me. I don't know how to go about getting that. I remember that I used to be exciting. I used to go out and have boyfriends and have fun. But that seems like it was so long ago that I don't know if I can ever get back to that.
Something has got to give. I need some relief from this boredom. I need to feel alive again.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
Unemployed
I'm unemployed. I have worked since I was 15 years old and now I find myself unemployed. The depression has been held at bay for a while now thanks to a nice mixture of anti-depressants and my circumstances have settled down. I no longer live with B and have been on my own for almost a year now. I took a full time job that I hated and I fucked that up and now I am unemployed and losing my mind. Suddenly my mood has taken a turn for the worst and I have been struggling with that lack of pleasure again.
I don't like job hunting. It isn't easy for someone like me who isn't particularly outgoing to do well in a job interview. I feel like everyone wants someone who is cheery and personable and I am not feeling much like that these days. I try to fake it but I think they can tell. They must be able to tell because I haven't gotten any of the jobs that I have interviewed for.
The stress of not knowing where my next pay day is coming from is difficult. I am lucky in that I live upstairs from my parents so they understand that I don't have rent money for them but they really need the money. It causes me stress because I know that they need the money and they want to help me which makes me feel guilty. Additionally, I don't have money for anything extra. No going to lunch or going shopping. I have been living off my meager savings and that isn't going to last for very much longer. Something has got to give. I don't want to have to go and apply for public assistance but if I don't find a job in the very near future I am going to have to do just that. And then I will be one of those people.
I don't know if adjusting my medications will help me at all. I don't think that my recent mood has anything to do with anything other than my circumstances. I wish there was a magic pill that would put me in a good mood because that would surely help with my job hunt. But I think I am going to have to struggle to will myself out of this rut that I am in. I have to be better. For my daughter who doesn't understand what is going on. I have to try to find pleasure in the little things again. Because that is the only thing that is going to keep me going.
I don't like job hunting. It isn't easy for someone like me who isn't particularly outgoing to do well in a job interview. I feel like everyone wants someone who is cheery and personable and I am not feeling much like that these days. I try to fake it but I think they can tell. They must be able to tell because I haven't gotten any of the jobs that I have interviewed for.
The stress of not knowing where my next pay day is coming from is difficult. I am lucky in that I live upstairs from my parents so they understand that I don't have rent money for them but they really need the money. It causes me stress because I know that they need the money and they want to help me which makes me feel guilty. Additionally, I don't have money for anything extra. No going to lunch or going shopping. I have been living off my meager savings and that isn't going to last for very much longer. Something has got to give. I don't want to have to go and apply for public assistance but if I don't find a job in the very near future I am going to have to do just that. And then I will be one of those people.
I don't know if adjusting my medications will help me at all. I don't think that my recent mood has anything to do with anything other than my circumstances. I wish there was a magic pill that would put me in a good mood because that would surely help with my job hunt. But I think I am going to have to struggle to will myself out of this rut that I am in. I have to be better. For my daughter who doesn't understand what is going on. I have to try to find pleasure in the little things again. Because that is the only thing that is going to keep me going.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Daffodils
I went outside and picked some daffodils today.
This may not seem like much but 3 days after stopping the Abilify I am beginning to feel a spark of life inside me. The daffodils are a symbol of that life. And I brought them into my house and put them in a pretty vase and felt a wave of something like joy mixed with satisfaction that was absent for some time. I set them on the living room table and just stared at their cheerful yellow faces and told myself that I was going to be okay.
It has been a long winter and the signs of spring are finally showing themselves and I am feeling optimistic today that the gloom and gray of winter is moving out and allowing the delight and sunshine to move into its place. I am also optimistic that I am going to survive this most recent detour into misery and that I will also begin to see some new buds of hope unfolding within me. Something has got to give, right?
Did I mention that I haven't moved out yet? That is happening at the end of this month.
This may not seem like much but 3 days after stopping the Abilify I am beginning to feel a spark of life inside me. The daffodils are a symbol of that life. And I brought them into my house and put them in a pretty vase and felt a wave of something like joy mixed with satisfaction that was absent for some time. I set them on the living room table and just stared at their cheerful yellow faces and told myself that I was going to be okay.
It has been a long winter and the signs of spring are finally showing themselves and I am feeling optimistic today that the gloom and gray of winter is moving out and allowing the delight and sunshine to move into its place. I am also optimistic that I am going to survive this most recent detour into misery and that I will also begin to see some new buds of hope unfolding within me. Something has got to give, right?
Did I mention that I haven't moved out yet? That is happening at the end of this month.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Excruciating
I am having a hard time lately. For the past month or so it feels like every little thing is just awful.
It isn't just that the things I used to enjoy are not interesting to me. It's that NOTHING is interesting to me. Everything seems excruciating. Not just the things that every depressed person hates to do. Not the way that showering seems like a climb up Everest or cleaning the house is like being water-boarded. I mean simple things. There isn't a show on tv that isn't boring. Nothing my kid does makes me smile (I mean, I fake it for her sake but honestly nothing does). Nothing on the internet could possibly amuse me. Eating is a chore. "Relaxing" used to be heavenly. Now I dread having unstructured time because all that I want to do is sleep. And when I DO have to do something it is a mental wrestling match where going back to bed almost always wins.
This is not the kind of depression I usually suffer from. In my usual state I can at least talk myself into not HATING everything. I can usually go through the motions. This kind of depression makes calling a friend for coffee feel like agony. And sitting through another boring conversation feel like sitting through a root canal.
The worst part is how this makes me a really terrible mother. I am finding no joy in her. I see her doing these things that SHOULD fill me with pride but all I feel is empty. She makes these videos of herself and when she plays them for me I want to scream because they fill me with sadness. Playing with her is like hard labor where I am forced to put on a happy face and try to somehow ignore how awkward I am doing anything but sleeping. Needless to say, lately I barely play with her. I don't even have the energy to get mad at her when she does something wrong. I often just ignore it because I cannot face her tantrum or crying. This makes me a shitty parent.
I recently started Abilify in addition to the other anti-depressants I am taking. I also was put on Ambien for sleep problems. Has anyone else had these kinds of effects from these drugs or am I just spiraling down again?
It isn't just that the things I used to enjoy are not interesting to me. It's that NOTHING is interesting to me. Everything seems excruciating. Not just the things that every depressed person hates to do. Not the way that showering seems like a climb up Everest or cleaning the house is like being water-boarded. I mean simple things. There isn't a show on tv that isn't boring. Nothing my kid does makes me smile (I mean, I fake it for her sake but honestly nothing does). Nothing on the internet could possibly amuse me. Eating is a chore. "Relaxing" used to be heavenly. Now I dread having unstructured time because all that I want to do is sleep. And when I DO have to do something it is a mental wrestling match where going back to bed almost always wins.
This is not the kind of depression I usually suffer from. In my usual state I can at least talk myself into not HATING everything. I can usually go through the motions. This kind of depression makes calling a friend for coffee feel like agony. And sitting through another boring conversation feel like sitting through a root canal.
The worst part is how this makes me a really terrible mother. I am finding no joy in her. I see her doing these things that SHOULD fill me with pride but all I feel is empty. She makes these videos of herself and when she plays them for me I want to scream because they fill me with sadness. Playing with her is like hard labor where I am forced to put on a happy face and try to somehow ignore how awkward I am doing anything but sleeping. Needless to say, lately I barely play with her. I don't even have the energy to get mad at her when she does something wrong. I often just ignore it because I cannot face her tantrum or crying. This makes me a shitty parent.
I recently started Abilify in addition to the other anti-depressants I am taking. I also was put on Ambien for sleep problems. Has anyone else had these kinds of effects from these drugs or am I just spiraling down again?
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Alone
How do you guys do it? I am referring to those of you who live alone.
B took the kid to Florida for a wedding and I have been so bored out of my mind here with no kind of company, no plan, no purpose. I cleaned the house and did all my "chores" the first day and now the house is neat and I am sitting here debating whether to nap again or just look out the window. As I mentioned before, I have no one really to call and I no longer know how to pass my time alone.
I used to LOVE being alone. Before I was hospitalized I loved to read, nap and have long afternoons to catch up on DVDs that I haven't watched. I would go to the bookstore or library and shop alone, never missing anyone's company. But things are different now. I can't read. Nothing interests me at home. I don't want to read the newspaper or sit on Facebook. I went to the bookstore yesterday with my own permission to buy whatever I wanted and nothing appealed to me. I put on a movie after dinner and by 8:30 I was asleep, waking around 3 am because I was fully rested and not able to get back to sleep.
I will be on my own in a couple of weeks. What will I do? Half the week I will be alone and with no one to call and nothing to do. I can't possibly sleep that much. What will I do? Who will help me to ward off the blackness that I can barely keep away now with people here all the time?
B took the kid to Florida for a wedding and I have been so bored out of my mind here with no kind of company, no plan, no purpose. I cleaned the house and did all my "chores" the first day and now the house is neat and I am sitting here debating whether to nap again or just look out the window. As I mentioned before, I have no one really to call and I no longer know how to pass my time alone.
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I used to LOVE being alone. Before I was hospitalized I loved to read, nap and have long afternoons to catch up on DVDs that I haven't watched. I would go to the bookstore or library and shop alone, never missing anyone's company. But things are different now. I can't read. Nothing interests me at home. I don't want to read the newspaper or sit on Facebook. I went to the bookstore yesterday with my own permission to buy whatever I wanted and nothing appealed to me. I put on a movie after dinner and by 8:30 I was asleep, waking around 3 am because I was fully rested and not able to get back to sleep.
I will be on my own in a couple of weeks. What will I do? Half the week I will be alone and with no one to call and nothing to do. I can't possibly sleep that much. What will I do? Who will help me to ward off the blackness that I can barely keep away now with people here all the time?
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Loneliness
I am feeling so lonely today.
I wonder if it is common for those with depression to have so few friends.
I have always found it hard to truly connect with people and have had only a handful of real friends in my life. I have never really "made" new friends. People have occasionally just taken a liking to me and done all the work to be in my life until I realized they were important to me. I do not know how to begin this process.
I am jealous of everyone, all the time. Mostly because I know that even those who claim to have "only a few friends" still have people they can call just to talk. They have people to come and drag them out of the house even if they are kicking and screaming. No one does that for me. And so I drift further and further into myself, just waiting for someone to save me. I know that no one will.
Right now I am living in a very stressful situation, still waiting for something to happen and not having any real time frame for when I can finally be free. And I have no one to just vent to. I have no one I can call to go out and get my mind off things. NOT ONE SOUL. Because I have no one who understands that nothing feels good right now. Nothing feels like it will make me feel better, no matter how much I want to feel something other than this.
Welcome to my pity party.
I wonder if it is common for those with depression to have so few friends.
I have always found it hard to truly connect with people and have had only a handful of real friends in my life. I have never really "made" new friends. People have occasionally just taken a liking to me and done all the work to be in my life until I realized they were important to me. I do not know how to begin this process.
I am jealous of everyone, all the time. Mostly because I know that even those who claim to have "only a few friends" still have people they can call just to talk. They have people to come and drag them out of the house even if they are kicking and screaming. No one does that for me. And so I drift further and further into myself, just waiting for someone to save me. I know that no one will.
Right now I am living in a very stressful situation, still waiting for something to happen and not having any real time frame for when I can finally be free. And I have no one to just vent to. I have no one I can call to go out and get my mind off things. NOT ONE SOUL. Because I have no one who understands that nothing feels good right now. Nothing feels like it will make me feel better, no matter how much I want to feel something other than this.
Welcome to my pity party.
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Today
When I opened my eyes this morning I had the briefest of feelings like I was going to be normal today. I would get out of bed, clean up the house, go to work and perhaps even run some errands. I would function and accomplish something because today was going to be a good day.
But something happened between that flash and the time I got coffee in my cup. Nothing actually happened, except for that shift that occurs when suddenly I remember where I am and who I am and begin to feel overwhelmed with all the simple mundane tasks it will take to get any of that shit done.
I am sinking again. I am sinking and not doing a damn thing to try to bale water. I am feeling that filthy sludge coming up over my ankles and bearing down on my knees but I am too tired and terrified to move. "Let me just sit here for a minute," I think. But then a minute turns to hours and hours turn to days and what was at first a puddle becomes a dark murky swamp and I realize I no longer have the option to just move. It has become thick like quicksand and I am sinking again.
Of course, I will try to get up. I will try to shower. If that goes okay, I will leave the house, if only to pick L up from school. I will come home and attempt to engage her in some kind of show of enjoying her company. And I will only do these things because EVERYONE tells me I should and that it will help - even though in my experience it is not likely.
I have learned that I have to sometimes let this thing run its course.
But something happened between that flash and the time I got coffee in my cup. Nothing actually happened, except for that shift that occurs when suddenly I remember where I am and who I am and begin to feel overwhelmed with all the simple mundane tasks it will take to get any of that shit done.
I am sinking again. I am sinking and not doing a damn thing to try to bale water. I am feeling that filthy sludge coming up over my ankles and bearing down on my knees but I am too tired and terrified to move. "Let me just sit here for a minute," I think. But then a minute turns to hours and hours turn to days and what was at first a puddle becomes a dark murky swamp and I realize I no longer have the option to just move. It has become thick like quicksand and I am sinking again.
Of course, I will try to get up. I will try to shower. If that goes okay, I will leave the house, if only to pick L up from school. I will come home and attempt to engage her in some kind of show of enjoying her company. And I will only do these things because EVERYONE tells me I should and that it will help - even though in my experience it is not likely.
I have learned that I have to sometimes let this thing run its course.
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Holiday Limbo
This year, the holidays are shit. B and I have agreed to split. We decided to stay together through the holidays for the kid's sake and due to the housing arrangements I have worked out, I actually can't go anywhere until February. The house is HIS and we aren't married so I have to be the one to go. Believe me, this has me questioning the kind of man I have been with for the last 8 years.
I also have to find a full -time job. In January. In a never-ending recession. I love my current job but I don't make enough to support myself so I also have to walk away from that. Since NY has no common-law marriage, he is not required to give me any personal help with the move and so I have to walk on eggshells hoping not to upset him so that he will be willing to let me have the car that is in his name and maybe help me pay rent if I get stuck. We have agreed to try to split custody 50-50 so I can't depend on child support payments to help me. Just the kindness of his heart.
Needless to say, I have not been very enthusiastic about decking the halls (B actually got tired of waiting for me to do it and about a week before Christmas he did it himself). I just can't force myself to care for the house anymore and have let the mess get out of control. I had to buy gifts for Ben's family since we have agreed not to tell anyone but our parents until shortly before the move. Gifts we normally would have purchased together had to be purchased by me because I don't feel like I can tell him what to do and he didn't want to spend the money (even though they buy gifts for both of us and L). I am broke and miserable and just want this to be over.
We haven't talked to L about it yet. She's only 5 and she is a worrier. I don't want to give her any more time to obsess about it than I need to. I figure a week or two before will be plenty of time. Luckily, I am moving into my mother's upstairs flat and so I can play it off like "We will be staying over at grandma's for a few days each week for a while..." and then work on answering questions as they come up.
And the fucking snow.
I am stuck in the house with him and honestly I want to just sleep it away. As I have literally $12 to my name right now because I bought gifts, and because they don't bother to keep the street I live on plowed, I am going to be here all weekend. He gives me no space in the house. The only place I have to myself is the bed. He could spend some time in his office or his basement man cave but he doesn't. He sits in the living room and watches Sons of Anarchy or plays on the Wii while the kid plays with her Barbies and coloring books. He acts like I am not here unless L needs something. Then he lets me know.
I desperately need to get out. I need to have some fun. Simple fun, nothing extravagant. I am so worried about my finances right now and my living situation sucks and I feel like I am going to make myself insane. I mean, how can anyone really "sleep" for 17 hours a day and feel normal? (I used the quotation marks because I mostly just lie there trying not to have panic attacks thinking about how my whole world is being uprooted). I just want to go to a movie or see a crappy band. But I have no money for that so I just sit here.
I am not doing well. I keep trying to tell myself that this is what we need to do, and I really believe that we need to be apart, at least for a while. I want to be myself for a while. I want to be able to be Ls mom without constantly being angry and snippy. I want to be responsible for myself and not have to answer to anyone about my every move. I think that I would be coping better if I wasn't stuck in this limbo. Just waiting for the end to actually happen. It's like knowing you are going to be attacked and waiting for it for months. The stress mixed with the boredom of waiting for the big event is exhausting.
I wonder if any of you have ever experienced this?
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Just a little crazy...
I freaked my therapist out this week. I went in on Wednesday as I always do and she immediately asked me what the hell was going on. I haven't been feeling depressed at all lately. In fact, I was completely out of my mind. She told me my eyes looked funny. That I seemed agitated. That it seemed like I couldn't help but interrupt her.
She made me an appointment to see the doctor for an evaluation.
I didn't FEEL like there was anything wrong. In fact, I felt like I was fully recovered. Like the depression had been defeated.
But I KNEW this wasn't right. At first, I was happy to see the old, crazy me re-appearing after all these years. The girl who flirted and said inappropriate things and made guys think they had a chance was back. She was frantically wanting to go out and do something - ANYTHING because she couldn't sit home. But in the few days before seeing my therapist, I had become almost crazed. I have been obsessing and rambling and not able to stop my mind or my mouth. I have been forgetting to eat and not wanting to sleep. I have been impulsive and reckless. I have been unable to get anything done at work because I couldn't stop and concentrate on any one thing for more than a few minutes.
The doctor asked me a lot of questions. My answers (at least to me) seemed to indicate that this was just a weird little bump for me. That perhaps I was just overly stressed or "acting out" because B and I have been having issues.
But as he questioned me, he also asked me about the time in my 20s that I refer to as "back when I was a crazy bitch". Something started to seem obvious. Although this was not "mania" in it's classic form, there were certainly characteristics of mania, and a pattern of these "periods" followed by severe anxiety and then a crash into the depths.
He threw out the words "hypomania" and "bipolar II". He said he didn't want to officially change my diagnosis yet, as it wasn't sufficient to cause impairment to my life...not yet, anyway.
Although the option was given to me to start on a mood stabilizer to mitigate any future episodes, I declined. My feeling was that I would wait and see if this is actually a recurrent thing or if I really am just acting crazy because of other factors in my life.
Two days later, I sit here on the verge of tears, wanting nothing more than to go back to bed and hide.
Fuck.
She made me an appointment to see the doctor for an evaluation.
I didn't FEEL like there was anything wrong. In fact, I felt like I was fully recovered. Like the depression had been defeated.
But I KNEW this wasn't right. At first, I was happy to see the old, crazy me re-appearing after all these years. The girl who flirted and said inappropriate things and made guys think they had a chance was back. She was frantically wanting to go out and do something - ANYTHING because she couldn't sit home. But in the few days before seeing my therapist, I had become almost crazed. I have been obsessing and rambling and not able to stop my mind or my mouth. I have been forgetting to eat and not wanting to sleep. I have been impulsive and reckless. I have been unable to get anything done at work because I couldn't stop and concentrate on any one thing for more than a few minutes.
The doctor asked me a lot of questions. My answers (at least to me) seemed to indicate that this was just a weird little bump for me. That perhaps I was just overly stressed or "acting out" because B and I have been having issues.
But as he questioned me, he also asked me about the time in my 20s that I refer to as "back when I was a crazy bitch". Something started to seem obvious. Although this was not "mania" in it's classic form, there were certainly characteristics of mania, and a pattern of these "periods" followed by severe anxiety and then a crash into the depths.
He threw out the words "hypomania" and "bipolar II". He said he didn't want to officially change my diagnosis yet, as it wasn't sufficient to cause impairment to my life...not yet, anyway.
Although the option was given to me to start on a mood stabilizer to mitigate any future episodes, I declined. My feeling was that I would wait and see if this is actually a recurrent thing or if I really am just acting crazy because of other factors in my life.
Two days later, I sit here on the verge of tears, wanting nothing more than to go back to bed and hide.
Fuck.
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