I'm unemployed. I have worked since I was 15 years old and now I find myself unemployed. The depression has been held at bay for a while now thanks to a nice mixture of anti-depressants and my circumstances have settled down. I no longer live with B and have been on my own for almost a year now. I took a full time job that I hated and I fucked that up and now I am unemployed and losing my mind. Suddenly my mood has taken a turn for the worst and I have been struggling with that lack of pleasure again.
I don't like job hunting. It isn't easy for someone like me who isn't particularly outgoing to do well in a job interview. I feel like everyone wants someone who is cheery and personable and I am not feeling much like that these days. I try to fake it but I think they can tell. They must be able to tell because I haven't gotten any of the jobs that I have interviewed for.
The stress of not knowing where my next pay day is coming from is difficult. I am lucky in that I live upstairs from my parents so they understand that I don't have rent money for them but they really need the money. It causes me stress because I know that they need the money and they want to help me which makes me feel guilty. Additionally, I don't have money for anything extra. No going to lunch or going shopping. I have been living off my meager savings and that isn't going to last for very much longer. Something has got to give. I don't want to have to go and apply for public assistance but if I don't find a job in the very near future I am going to have to do just that. And then I will be one of those people.
I don't know if adjusting my medications will help me at all. I don't think that my recent mood has anything to do with anything other than my circumstances. I wish there was a magic pill that would put me in a good mood because that would surely help with my job hunt. But I think I am going to have to struggle to will myself out of this rut that I am in. I have to be better. For my daughter who doesn't understand what is going on. I have to try to find pleasure in the little things again. Because that is the only thing that is going to keep me going.
Regarding all aspects the blog was perfectly nice. panic away
ReplyDeleteIsnt it amazing sometimes that the good days can be really really good and the bad days, the bad days can be very bad. Its harder to push through when u have no one. And your are not alone in this. I wish i had someone to tell me that. At any rate, i know its hard but the good days as few as they may be make getting through the bad ones worthwhile.
ReplyDeleteI hope you know that you aren't alone in your "alone" days and by having a family who are understandable about the rent also show that they care. I've just set up a blog myself detailing my recovery from the cruel illness. My life motto is "Life is a process; no feeling is final". I hope that brings you some form of comfort. Take care.
ReplyDeleteI like your blog. Thanks for helping me through words :D
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Rob