Holiday Limbo

This year, the holidays are shit.  B and I have agreed to split.  We decided to stay together through the holidays for the kid's sake and due to the housing arrangements I have worked out, I actually can't go anywhere until February.  The house is HIS and we aren't married so I have to be the one to go. Believe me, this has me questioning the kind of man I have been with for the last 8 years.  

I also have to find a full -time job.  In January.  In a never-ending recession.  I love my current job but I don't make enough to support myself so I also have to walk away from that.  Since NY has no common-law marriage, he is not required to give me any personal help with the move and so I have to walk on eggshells hoping not to upset him so that he will be willing to let me have the car that is in his name and maybe help me pay rent if I get stuck. We have agreed to try to split custody 50-50 so I can't depend on child support payments to help me.  Just the kindness of his heart.

Needless to say, I have not been very enthusiastic about decking the halls (B actually got tired of waiting for me to do it and about a week before Christmas he did it himself).  I just can't force myself to care for the house anymore and have let the mess get out of control.  I had to buy gifts for Ben's family since we have agreed not to tell anyone but our parents until shortly before the move.  Gifts we normally would have purchased together had to be purchased by me because I don't feel like I can tell him what to do and he didn't want to spend the money (even though they buy gifts for both of us and L).  I am broke and miserable and just want this to be over.

We haven't talked to L about it yet.  She's only 5 and she is a worrier.  I don't want to give her any more time to obsess about it than I need to.  I figure a week or two before will be plenty of time.  Luckily, I am moving into my mother's upstairs flat and so I can play it off like "We will be staying over at grandma's for a few days each week for a while..."  and then work on answering questions as they come up.  

And the fucking snow.  

I am stuck in the house with him and honestly I want to just sleep it away.  As I have literally $12 to my name right now because I bought gifts, and because they don't bother to keep the street I live on plowed, I am going to be here all weekend.  He gives me no space in the house.  The only place I have to myself is the bed.  He could spend some time in his office or his basement man cave but he doesn't.  He sits in the living room and watches Sons of Anarchy or plays on the Wii while the kid plays with her Barbies and coloring books.  He acts like I am not here unless L needs something.  Then he lets me know.

I desperately need to get out.  I need to have some fun.  Simple fun, nothing extravagant.  I am so worried about my finances right now and my living situation sucks and I feel like I am going to make myself insane.  I mean, how can anyone really "sleep" for 17 hours a day and feel normal?  (I used the quotation marks because I mostly just lie there trying not to have panic attacks thinking about how my whole world is being uprooted).  I just want to go to a movie or see a crappy band.  But I have no money for that so I just sit here.

I am not doing well.  I keep trying to tell myself that this is what we need to do, and I really believe that we need to be apart, at least for a while. I want to be myself for a while.  I want to be able to be Ls mom without constantly being angry and snippy.  I want to be responsible for myself and not have to answer to anyone about my every move.  I think that I would be coping better if I wasn't stuck in this limbo.  Just waiting for the end to actually happen.  It's like knowing you are going to be attacked and waiting for it for months.  The stress mixed with the boredom of waiting for the big event is exhausting.  

I wonder if any of you have ever experienced this?