A change of scenery

It's been an eventful week.  I went to Florida last week to celebrate my brother's adoption of a baby.  He had a huge party and there were about 100 people there.  I went with my parents and my daughter.  We had a good time overall. 

My brother owns a bar.  He does really well for himself.  The bar is really popular and he doesn't have to worry about money.  My parents are really proud of him and you can tell because they talk about him all the time.  I have to admit, it makes me feel like kind of a loser.  My brother told me that in 2014 he made over $800,000 for the year.  I am barely scraping by and until last month was on food stamps because I jut now make too much to be on them.  My mother worries about me.  She says that she can't die because I am not happy.  She wants to know that I will be alright without her.  I don't know if I would be. 

I don't think I will ever know what it is like to not have to worry about money.  One of my greatest fears is that my depression gets worse and I have to go on disability.  I have earned so little in my life that I would be living on a few hundred dollars a month.  I worry about this a lot actually.  I am afraid that the level-headedness that I have right now is temporary.  At some point the meds will stop working and I will be sick again, stripped down and in that thick suffocating fog.  Then what will I do?  How will I support myself?  At my last job, when I went out because I was hospitalized they were all tremendously understanding.  My job was safe.  I don't think this job would be as secure.  If I am not here there is nobody to do the work.  They would need to get someone else in here immediately.  I would be fired.

But enough of my catastrophizing. 

We went out to eat a lot and of course Lila and I went to the beach.  But the weather didn't really cooperate with us and it rained 3 out of the 5 days we were there.  The day we went to the beach it only went up to 72 degrees so we were a little cold.  That didn't prevent Lila from going into the ocean though.  We missed a huge snow storm while we were gone.  My city got almost 2 feet of snow.  It was all waiting here for me when I got back.

Lila and I slept on the couch during our trip.  I actually slept pretty well there.  It felt good to not have to be exhausted all day.  But I came back and last night I slept like shit.  I don't know why I slept so well there but can't sleep for shit when I am home.  You would think that sleeping on a couch is not conducive to sleeping well but apparently you would be wrong.  I was really hoping that the sleeplessness was behind me.  I'm not sure what to do.

Maybe it's my job that's keeping me up at night.  I wouldn't say that I hate it.  I actually enjoy the work that I do when there is work.  But my days are long and there isn't much going on right now and I am pretty bored for most of the day.  Today, after being gone a week, I had a lot to catch up on.  I only had enough to keep me busy until about noon.  I am sitting at work now writing this.  I am not someone who likes having a lot of down time.  Add to it that I am alone in the office most days and you have a recipe for depression.  My job does not afford me the opportunity to meet new people or challenge me in any way.  I don't really dread going to work but today I really thought about calling in sick.  The only reason I didn't is because I knew it was just delaying the inevitable.  I would have to come back eventually.

Have any of you had insomnia?  I would like to hear about it if you did and what you did to help it.